“Blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to arise”
This “Blackbird” is me and as of May 9th 2015, with mended wings I have finally become a college graduate. It would be selfish to say I earned this degree on my own and there isn’t enough space on that diploma for all the names of people who have helped me and supported me through this long journey, but one name in particular and if only we shared a last name already, would it almost be enough. My best friend, my love and my future husband, this is for you.
Never have I met someone who I fell for and grew a deeper love for every single day. A love not from a movie or book, a complex love that started at the surface, skin deep, and became more about a love for the person under the skin and within the everyday thoughts as time went on. Of course there’s a story to back up each year that we conquer together, but he’s a man of few words and more about actions and watching me walk across that stage at graduation confirmed more than any number of pages could say. I’m the one for words and it’s a love story worth writing, so here it is.
You just know when someone is right for you and as silly as it was the first night we texted each other and he jokingly asked me to marry him, even though we didn’t know it then, we were a force to be reckoned with. Our relationship was like slowing being consumed in a fire, it started with an undeniable spark that led to a flame and eventually completely consumed our lives. A fire that was fueled not by superficial things or material items, but a challenge. We both saw something in each other that we thought we guarded well but unfortunately was recognized easily by the other. In my case, in his exact words, ” I knew from day 1 you could finish school and you did. I saw this smart, well-versed girl hiding behind a wall, trying to act tough and too good for school. I saw a blackbird.”
” Blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free.”
When Adam met me I was this broken winged, sunken eyed blackbird. Not to be mistaken with damaged but simply put I needed to relearn how to reach and see my moment. It’s easy to get carried up and consumed in a life that isn’t yours and Adam made me focus on myself. Even without his knowledge he started to prepare me for my moment. At the time we met he was starting his senior year in college and I was on my second year of quitting that same school. As the school year progressed and midterms passed and finals approached and second semester started and graduation neared, he was slowly but strongly inspiring me. It was a different kind of attraction to see someone so determined and focused on an end goal and willing to pass up time together to study. I had never been more mentally attracted to someone. He wanted to learn, he wanted to do well, he was committed to the same school that I let rip me apart and he was the one succeeding. Simply put, I wanted to be like him. His whole attitude about school put a new motivation in me and I slowly started looking back into my own personal hell. In highschool I found out college was “optional” and I had my mind set then and there that I would leap and skip over that part of life and make it without a degree. Even as a “legal” adult, I had a lot to learn, one of them being that I was wrong. And as I look back I realize the pieces fell into place, it wasn’t something I was ready for at the time because I wasn’t doing it for me, I was trying to fit the mold we are expected to fill. That summer I applied to community college and told Adam I was going back, he didn’t hesitate to state that I would finish, and finish with flying colors. If you told me three years ago that I would have a bachelors degree from the same school that tried to kill me and the same school that Adam buried in 4 years I would have bet all the money in the bank that that school would claim me again. I had a loaded semester of 7 gen eds to finish from two different school both online and off to get my associates, which I received in December 2012. That was only the tip of the iceberg of challenges to come but it was a battle won. I took a semester off, trying to prolong my fate of going back and committing the time and effort and money to something I believed so strongly against. But one thing rung in my ears, all my life my mom had asked one thing of me; to finish college. It broke my heart to tell her I wasn’t going to do it, to fully accept and believe that that one thing being asked of me was unattainable, and I know it broke her heart too, because she knew I could do it but she wasn’t going to make me. The following fall came fast approaching and my semester was sealed, I would be a returning NIU student with a transferring associates degree, a fresh GPA and a full load of classes and I was scared shitless. I had grown so comfortable working where I worked and seeing who I saw and following a schedule that now had to be completely broken to start the steps to finishing a 4 year degree. It was hard to let go of the structure I had been in charge of and I had the upperhand in but Adam assured me that it was all within reach, it wasn’t an unreasonable request. Fall 2013 passed with my usual average student status. I was neither above or below average, I was just making it. Spring 2014 had a hit out on me. It was the semester that NIU was bound to do me in and claim me victim as a college dropout once more. It was before midterms and up until the last couple weeks that I was failing three classes, finding any excuse to skip class, bawling on the commute to the armpit of IL and losing my sense of self all in one semester. I was done. I fully accepted that school was not for me. College could have my unclaimed credits and thousands of dollars and in no exchange for that expensive piece of paper. The closest people in my life were watching me fall apart disastrously fast. And that’s when Adam really became my rock. If he had to hold my hand through it all he would, right up until I could walk across the stage on my own and graduate. It was in that spring semester that he would play the song “Blackbird” for me. He would send me the link continuously to calm me down and to put my situation into words, words someone else had written and experienced and found comfort in. He pushed me out the door everyday for school, he held me accountable for going to class, he made me study and he carried me through my worst semester ever and we came out victorious. When I say I didn’t earn this degree alone I honestly mean it. Yes, I took the tests and I wrote the papers but I had a powerhouse of support and tactics to get me through school. A powerhouse of family and friends who pushed me when my heels were dug in because they knew what was best for me and knew my limits when I didn’t know for myself. But the leader of my powerhouse was Adam. My parents took on the financial burden of school for me, my mom set one milestone and everyone else did their best to fit what ever support, advice and stories they could to make college a little less painful. After a horrible spring semester I had basked in the summer months and mentally prepared for another year, one more year, my last year of college. Fall 2014 again was an average feat and left me with one semester between a degree and I. Spring 2015 was my moment. I started the semester strong and with confidence comes success. I was getting A’s on every test, in every class, in every subject. In one class I was the highest test score of the entire class. I didn’t even recognize myself on paper when it came to grades. I was an above average student, I was taking my last semester at NIU and rubbing the universities face in my success. I was winning the battles and the war. I had met all my credentials for graduation, I was on my way to my first ever semester of straight A’s and I couldn’t be more proud of myself! They say it always gets darkest before the dawn and spring 2015 was my sunrise. I still wouldn’t believe I actually graduated college if I didn’t have the pictures to prove it. It was a long, horrible, miserable road but it was all worth it. I came out on top, we came out on top. I’m so happy and humbled that I can share this milestone with more than myself. I had a sturdy foundation and when I let my wall down to go back to school, my love, my other half, my Adam took it upon himself to guard for me while I was doing my best. He’s the stronger part in me and I’m the softer part in him and he will tell you, we are “completely incomplete.” We are just getting started, we are a force to be reckoned with.